Depression? I've had two suicide attempts, two hospitalizations, 2 psychiatrists, and
I've had clinical depression for a while now. I've had two suicide attempts, two hospitalizations, 2 psychiatrists, and a therapist. The amount of different meds i've tried have taken up a locked cabinet in our kitchen. I feel the same i did before. The hospital woudln't let you out unless you made up some fantasy about how hopeful you were. I didn't really get anything out of it, and the "coping skills" i have are pretty much bullshit. Can someone please help me find ways to cope with this awful affliction before i do something painful to my loved ones?
I'm a junior in high school. Sophmore year my best friend moved to japan. My old friends became druggies and alcoholics, and that's not my thing. So basically i became alone in high school. I've never been able to connect with my crushes either, something that really means a lot to me. My sister (soph, college) was like the popular girl, and by comparison i didn't really feel adequate. I"m also a perfectionist, and i always try to excel. Sophmore year i took ap calculus, ap chem, and ap statistics. Basically i got really hard on myself, and i tried to kill myself. The first time didn't work, and the second time landed me in the hospital. Since then i've been struggling with the same issues (girls, school, being anal about everything), but now i have a huge sense of guilt because i'm ruining the lives of people around me. Im making it harder for everyone, and now my mom is on depression medication. Also nothing has really turned out any better.
I've never had someone like me back, my parents dropped my two favorite classes because they thought that it was making me depressed. Then they sent me back to the psychiatrict ward at Herrick in Berkely. So now i feel like an idiot. Things haven't really changed since sophmore year. Also i'm taking nearly a gram of medication daily, and it just decided to stop working 2 weeks ago. Being on lithium and lexapro makes me feel hella dopey, so sometimes i try not to take it just because of curiosity. Anyways i'm getting tired of living like this, and my friends who used to be supportive aren't really talking to me that much anymore. It might be because they think i'm "cured" because their understanding of depression usually involves ideas of two people breaking up. I"m lost. if i try to killmyself and fail, i'll end up at the hospital. If i do kill myself, it'll hurt everyone, but by living, i feel more pain. So please help me in any way you can.
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